“要有心里准备，我们家要散了“

My father said this to me yesterday. why? He said he is afraid to come back home, this house is so cold, does not feel the "warmth" in this family. My heart really sank, why is he saying all this? Because we are nt at home all the time, leaving him all alone at home? No one doing the house chores? keeping the house looked like a house? My brother and i cant possibly be staying at home all day, he needs to work and i need to go school everyday and work in the night. If i dun work, whos going to pay the bills? Im trying to please him all i could, the things he did, i admit im not happy, but i cant tell him, thats all the things he can do to keep him busy... Used items never been placed back to its original place, who can i complain? I can only quietly tidy the place up. Had my family tried to understand how i feel? Everytime the house is in a mess, my father will only come to me and say i din do my part. I know i had not been a good son for not bring back money, doing things that he is not really satisfied with, i admit all this... Im really tired, had he ever praised me when i actually cleaned up the house? Since young, he had always been telling all my relatives how lousy i am, "aiyah, this kid is no use one la!( in hokkien)". I remembered when i was in sec one, chinese new year before going to relative house, he said that i was not his son, was picked from the trash, what have i done to recieve all this comments by him? Am i really not his son? Everytime i came home and saw all the rubbish all over the place, wat can i say, i know if i confront anyone, no one is going to sleep well that night, why people cant just throw the rubbish into the rubbish bin, is it that difficult? Why other families are so supportive and did their part in keeping the family together? Kept on hearing the room next door shouting and banging table, throwing things, smashing things up, why must they quarrel everyday, and make everyone upset? This friday is my father's birthday, no one said anything untill i started asking, reserved seats at the place my father always wanted to go, told him just yesterday and today he came and tell me he dun want to go. Is it really so difficult to gather the family together to just have a decent dinner on your birthday? He said that the house is cold, everyone is doing their own things. Fine! I will quit my school and stop working, stay at home and do all the house chores everyday, tidy up all the rubbish that they left behind on the table, on the floor, anywhere... How i wish i can throw my fucking temper just like my brother, but i just cant do it... I dun wanna go home... that is not my house anymore... I had reached my limits, and i cant take it anymore... just take it as you only had one son all this while, like what you had always been saying all this while..

I miss my mum... this song reminds me of you... i really hope i can see you soon...